Growing up, you may have been labeled as neurodivergent. You may have spent a lot of time and energy trying to mask, to fit in, to be a good model of what others thought you should be.

But you feel exhausted. You’re tired of pretending. You feel disconnected from your passion, your zest for life. You may not really know who you are anymore or the direction of your life.

The promises of the previous generation have not seemed to bear much fruit: go to college, get married, have kids, work hard, stuff down emotions, and true desires—and you will find happiness.

Either you’ve followed this path and found it lacking, or you saw through it and never pursued that path in the first place. Either way you’re left with the question, “what now?”

You feel stuck. The American dream is broken, but we still have to provide for our basic needs. And what about all of your desires for more—creative expression, adventure, fun, love, growth, being connected with something bigger than yourself, deep meaning, etc.?

Along with the external shattered American ideal, you may feel internally broken. Growing up sensitive and different, you were probably taught that it was your fault. So now you constantly overthink, unsure of yourself, how you affect others, and how they will respond to you. So you make yourself small and don’t connect deeply with “normal” people, believing that that kind of connection isn’t possible.

This deep weight, this shame, comparison, and anxiety is what really is keeping you stuck. The inner voice and deep weight of self judgment keeps us stuck from trying new things, taking on responsibility, and growing the gifts latent within us.

The voice says things like:

Most people are functioning better than you.

You will never thrive as an adult.

Success is not possible for you.

This world was not made for you.

This voice of comparison and self-doubt makes you second guess yourself. It has stopped me more times than I can count. Yet deep down, don’t we realize that we have gifts and abilities that set us apart, that others could benefit from? But we struggle to make progress and believe in ourselves.

It is true — the world was not built with you in mind. But here’s what’s also true: the world runs on traits you were taught to distrust, and quietly starves for the ones you already carry. The drive toward control, dominance, productivity at any cost — you felt the damage of that early, and you wanted no part of it. So you went the other direction. You made yourself small. But you threw the baby out with the bathwater.

There is another move available to you, and it isn’t toward the version of strength that hurt you. It’s toward the version you’ve always carried, but never been given permission to trust — the stillness, the attunement, the capacity to feel what a room needs before anyone has named it. These aren’t liabilities in a world that has lost its bearings. They are precisely what the world is missing and cannot seem to find its way back to without you.

I grew up heavily imbalanced toward the feminine, taught to repress the parts of myself that could have grounded all that feeling into something capable of moving. The work isn’t to abandon what makes you sensitive. It’s to root it deeply enough that it doesn’t collapse under its own weight — to build the kind of inner structure that lets your sensitivity become directional rather than just overwhelming.

Your sensitivity is not a weakness, but a calling. Jesus said to be in the world, not of it. We’re already closer to being not of the world, but we have to learn to be in it. Being people more in touch with our feminine, we’re more in touch with our creativity, intuition, heart, and imagination. What does this mean? It means that we have the capability of steering and inspiring the mind, heart, and soul of the world. We are the visionaries which steer the attention of the masses to what we want in the future and what we do not. We do this through narrative and communication, through the arts: whether that is music, writing, architecture, art, acting, etc.

The ones who changed things were never the ones who fit. They were the ones who felt too much, saw too clearly, and couldn't talk themselves out of what they knew. What got labeled as a problem was actually the signal. The sensitivity wasn't the thing to fix, it was the feeling to answer.

So don’t let anyone ever convince you that your sensitivity is a weakness or that you’re broken. You are not the problem the world needs to fix, but what it needs to find. You’re what the world needs, infinitely valuable, even if mainstream culture does not understand it, deep down they’re attracted to it. Your sensitivity is a calling. The question isn’t whether you’re too much, it’s whether you will answer it.

Eventually I did speak up. They did have a hard time with my asking for a change and a boundary. But in the long run they understood and we grew closer from the experience. It felt good. I felt like I could breathe. I was not making myself smaller and I respected myself for speaking up.

Many times in life I haven’t spoken up. I’ve let people walk all over me. I’ve felt resentful, shameful, and trapped.

In these moments we become possessed. No, not in the religious definition of a word, not by a demon. But by an emotion or part of ourself that takes over.*

The particular part that possessed me in that moment is one that believes that it is unworthy of boundaries or saying no because when we were younger these were broken or ignored by those we loved. At the time, as a little child, it was safer for us to believe that there was something wrong with us than to believe there was something wrong with our authority figures. We lost agency and became disempowered.

These limited beliefs affect us in many ways. Lack of boundaries erases the filter of our awareness. We take in other people’s energy. We’re easily overstimulated and feel claustrophobic in large groups. We can often feel trapped or suffocated.

Lack of boundaries makes the external world so loud that it becomes difficult to hear and make sense of our internal world. We lose our sense of identity, needs, and desires. We become disconnected from our body - full of restless energy, without an outlet or way to process it. We may be labelled with ADHD.

When I was homeschooled as a child, I could not sit still. During school time, I would throw myself out of my desk as the restless energy possessed me. This inner chaos overloads our ability to self-regulate. We become disorganized and undisciplined.

All of these patterns cause us deep shame. We feel lonely because we become disconnected from our deep self - our spirit. The only outlet is escape into something else. My outlet was books, sports, and video games. They were places where I felt I regained some sense of agency, either through skill success or through seeing others in their own empowerment and feeling that in my body.

All of these patterns can culminate into an eventual depression. We feel like we can never change or get out of these cycles. We don’t feel like we can or know how to ask for help. Often when people offer us encouragement we have a hard time believing in them because we don’t believe in ourselves.

We eventually become so disempowered that we feel possessed by hopelessness. The only way out is to ask for help. In college, I asked for help and began going to counseling. I learned meditation to deal with my anxiety. In grad school, I reached out to God and had a spiritual awakening that transformed my life.

The truth is asking for help is not weakness. This does not mean that we don’t have the power within to transform or become unstuck, but our lack of internal boundaries and ability to say no to different parts of ourselves causes us to become possessed by different internal aspects of ourselves.

Sometimes we need others to remind us that we are more than our current behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. We need healthy mirrors to see the empowered version within and from that place, dialogue with the disempowered parts that have been possessing us.

Through this process we begin to establish an inner relationship and dialogue with the parts within us. We begin to understand each of them and what they’re trying to do for us.

In this process we begin to discover and identify ourselves from a deeper place, a place of love and compassion. We start to feel empowered and slowly take agency in our life. Our internal empowerment starts to reflect in our outer life as we replace unhealthy habits with healthy replacements.

This agency reflects in our ability to say no and establish boundaries. Instead of feeling pressured, smothered, or controlled by others, we’re able to stick up for ourselves and communicate to others what we need. We learn how to build healthy relationships and let go of ones where we have to abandon ourselves in possession to another.

There is a paradox in this process. As we take agency in our lives, we begin to enter the flow state more and more often. Flow is the synthesis of action and surrender. Flow is paradoxically like possession in that we no longer feel in control. But unlike possession, we enjoy and benefit from this state.

Writing can sometimes feel like possession. When I feel like I should or have to write, I feel possessed by an anxious restless energy. But if I embrace this part of myself with love, slowly I begin to relax and the words flow easier and easier. Eventually I reach a point where instead of feeling like I’m writing, I feel like writing is coming through me in an inspired or channeled sort of way.

The more we enter this flow state, the more we become confident we can navigate the storms of feeling possessed, to taking agency, to flowing with ease through life. We become confident that as we encounter blocks in life (because we will have trouble throughout life) we will be able to dissolve them faster and faster.

We accelerate our healing, growth, and potential. We start to feel more connected with our internal world and experience of life grows richer. We begin to see and act from our spirit rather than our ego. This feels like coming home to our true self.

You can take agency in your life. You don’t have to be possessed by unhealed parts of yourself. Reaching out for help is not more disempowerment, but an act of reclaiming your life.

*I have seen someone who I believe was possessed by a demon. That is a story for another day

I tried to dig deeper into what was going on underneath my doubts. The first thing that came up was perfection. The truth that I’m speaking needs to be impeccable, containing no errors so that I cannot be attacked and stay safe. But this did not quite land. I don’t mind being questioned or even attacked by internet strangers. At this point in life these attacks make me laugh more than they bring out anger or defensiveness.

The second thing that came to mind was imposter syndrome. This syndrome really hit me hard in grad school. In undergrad I was fairly smart. In grad school, I was just another average student. I felt lost and unsure. today, I am still fairly new in the public world of personal development. So continued feeling of this syndrome makes sense. I felt like I was getting closer, but still not quite on target. I am pretty confident in my ability to discover and convey the truth to others.

Then it hit me. What do men crave and have so much wounding over? Respect. I realized that there is a part of me that does not respect myself. When I try to write from a place of authority, a part of myself rejects that authority. A part of myself does not believe I’m worthy of respect as a leader.

So this leads me to ask myself, “why am I not worthy of respect? Why am I unworthy to be a leader?” Here is what comes to mind:

You’re unworthy of respect, especially as a leader, because you’ve never been successful in life. You’ve never had more than a basic job making around minimum wage. You’ve never had a long term relationship and certainly not a healthy relationship. You’re in your 30s and still have not started a family. You’re not what people expect in a man. You exhibit more feminine quality traits than masculine ones. You’re a creative dreamer rather than a practical Type A man. You’ve made many mistakes, hurt others, and yourself. You have trouble focusing on a few areas of life. You’ve risked stepping into the unconventional entrepreneur path and have very little to show for it. You’re treading water working for a restaurant when any financial crisis could ruin you. Shall I go on? Who would respect someone like that and trust them for advice or direction?

Ouch. This hit hard. I feel these deeply. I feel these silent judgments from others around me. I feel the expectations from my culture. I feel them from potential future clients and employers.

Thankfully, there’s another part of me…a deeper part that knows these thoughts are inaccurate or at least incomplete. Here is how my spirit responds:

I am worthy of respect because I have chosen to take up the challenge of the human life. I have strove to embody the fruits of the spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. I have worked on developing my relationship with God and aligning my life with his Spirit. I have gone through many challenges and learned many lessons. I have become more embodied. I am worthy of respect and leading others in the those areas. I may be “behind” in the capitalistic standard of adulthood in being successful in my career and making money, but I know I am closer to being successful making money in alignment with my true self. I will not need a mid-life crisis to re-align me in that way. I may not have started a family, but I am actively working on becoming the man, breaking generational curses, that would raise a healthy, vibrant family. I am opening my heart more and more to love so that I can encompass more people into my life.

I have learned and value the traits of the feminine. I believe its important for everyone to develop both healthy masculine and feminine traits. Everyone has made mistakes and hurt others. That is part of being human. I do not need to better than everyone else. I just need to take accountability and continue to heal and grow.

The entrepreneur path is tough. It will expose all of your fears and flaws. It takes courage and resilience. Most people on this path undergo a trial by fire development and either give up or dig into the shadow work. You’re digging in. Congratulations on not giving up. In time this will reward a fruit that makes the journey all worth it. It is about the journey and the growth, not the results at the end.

If others cannot see these things, then they are not for you. Do not worry about them. Know that everything you need is within you. For God lies within and is always here supporting you.

There are many things I disagree with in the Bible, but I still believe it contains much wisdom to draw from. One of the things I love about the Bible is that God chooses very flawed people to lead—Adam, Abraham, Joseph, Esther, Moses, David, Mary, Peter, etc. Many doubt their capability and worth, but God reassures and guides them despite mistakes and setbacks.

I believe there is a power in weakness. I believe Jesus expressed it well in the Sermon on the mount in what we now call the beatitudes.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” -Matthew 5:3-11

I believe Jesus is explaining that true power is on the inside. True power shines forth naturally from humility. It is not about wealth, status, control, or domination. The one’s that are most equipped to lead are the one’s who are aware of their flaws and do not seek to grab power unnaturally to inflate their ego.

The way of the world is backward. So often we gravitate towards those who display confidence, but from an egoic narcissistic energy that hides weakness and insecurity. All the while, those who truly would make good leaders, quietly live their life in the background.

I believe that we chose to come into this life, in this physical body, to be limited on purpose. Limitation helps us understand life from a new perspective. It cultivates gratitude and empathy for every form of life. The shadow helps us love the sunshine even more. The more contrast and polarity the more opportunity we have of understanding the differences and discovering what we truly want in life. Limitation helps us develop resilience and strength. We come to realize more and more how much we endure and transmute the darkness into light.

I am worthy of respect. You are worthy of respect. But we first need to respect ourselves. When we do, others will feel that inner strength and gravitate towards it. Some may be triggered, but because we have learned to respect ourselves, we will remain unshaken like a rock in a storm. The more we respect ourselves, the more our outer life will begin to reflect our inner respect.

I hope that this article has helped you respect yourself more and motivate you to better align your outer life as someone who is respectable. What do you believe: Where does respect come from? What does some who is respectable look like? How do we cultivate more respect for ourselves?

These limited beliefs often lie in the unconscious. We may not even realize that these beliefs are blocking us from connecting with spirit and her pull to empower us. These beliefs may have such a stronghold on us that we may not even be aware of our dreams, goals, and desires. We may be so lost in hopelessness that we’re stuck in addictions to numb ourselves from the pain of an unfulfilled life.

So how do we move forward out of the darkness of victimhood, self-pity, depression, addiction, etc.?

1. Dare to dream.

The first step is choosing to believe that we can have good desires and that they may be possible.

2. Examine the triggers

Inevitably, when we pursue goals our blocks (limited beliefs) appear through physical sensations, thoughts, emotions, and inaction (or action misaligned with our goals). At first we will need to slowly trace from the surface down into the core where our limited beliefs lie in the unconscious. Depending on the person, physical sensations, thoughts, emotions, or inaction will come into our awareness first. For me, the process starts out as inaction, then emotion, thoughts, and finally down into my limited beliefs.

3. Develop rituals to continually remind ourselves of the truth.

Religious/spiritual practices and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) are ways that address the mind and the lies of our limited beliefs. Daily reminders of the truth help rewire our brain and reinforce faith that we can change.

4. Love our bodies and our younger parts

CBT is not enough. Trauma and blockages are stored in the body. Limited beliefs are not just verbal, but deep, emotional and physical parts of our bodies that need to be felt through. Allow yourself to feel through “negative” emotions such as anger, disgust, sadness, fear, shame, etc. Meet these feelings with love and understanding.

5. Focus on gratitude, hope, faith, and love.

Believe that you can change and become a better person. Pursue new routines, habits, and transform your identity.

With this process in mind, (like I mentioned in my previous article) I’m going to examine and work through some of my own limited beliefs. The limited belief I’m focusing on in this article (as you can surmise from the title) is the belief that “I don’t matter.” This belief surfaces when I choose to do something aligned with my dreams such as writing. When I write, I have a desire for others to read, understand, appreciate, and benefit from my writing. If I cannot see much evidence of these desires being fulfilled I lose motivation too write. The belief surfaces “I don’t matter.”

First, I connect with the feelings around this belief such as sadness, hopelessness, feeling stuck, not respected or loved. Soon this image of a little boy Kendall emerges. I stay with this image, feeling into my body to really connect with this part of myself and bring it to the forefront. I think of my past and the events that occurred to reinforce the belief that I don’t matter.

I think back to the perfectionism, anger, and spankings from my parents. I think of my Mom’s babysitting and timeouts where I felt neglected. I remember the bullying in junior high and high school, all the times authority didn’t step in and protect me. I feel into all of the rejection from my peers and the loneliness I felt even through college.

Then I meet this part of myself with the adult version of me now. I imagine what I would say and do too help my younger self that holds the belief that he does not matter:

I’m sorry that you were not unconditionally loved growing up. I’m sorry that others did not understand, appreciate, and compliment you and your special gifts. I’m sorry that adults did not protect you. But I’m glad that you did not give up. I admire your tenacity, your bravery, your ability to continue to seek healing, growth, and follow God’s whispers, despite how uncomfortable they may be at times. I admire that you pursue your own path, even if/when others do not understand.

I want you to remember the times others understood, respected, loved, and showed gratitude towards you. Despite their flaws, your parents have always loved you dearly. You won awards in swimming, piano, the fair, for reading, in basketball. You have had many deep conversations, deep friendships where other’s leaned on you for emotional support and for your wisdom. People have appreciated your writing growing up whether it was a poem, a blog post, an essay in school, or a letter you wrote. You have been complimented for your excellent writing.

As you’ve gotten older people have matured and come to appreciate your depth and your humor. Your first counselor showed you great love and helped you understand that you were not as broken as you felt from others. You were appreciated as a leader at church camp and as a tutor. As you have gotten older you have connected with more and more people, finding many others who share your interests and passions. You have given other’s a platform and space to know that they also matter. You will never realize the full impact of your influence on others in this life, but every moment matters—Every door you hold, every smile you give others, every kind word, or act of service to another.

After reminding myself of my impact and the experiential truth that I matter, I want to directly, cognitively grapple with the lie of “I don’t matter.”

What qualifies as “what matters?” To whose standard are we measuring ourselves against? Is it the standard I want to measure myself up against? Do I have to earn our worth?

So often I get caught up in cultural standards of success. I compare myself with others who have written many books, who have very successful coaching careers, who are wise leaders of different communities. But numbers can be deceptive. Impact can be in depth even more than in numbers. People can hide authenticity and true embodied wisdom behind public images. Even if these people are who I truly want to emulate they have their own timeline, their own unique path. I don’t need to measure up to them, but only to the version of myself one minute ago.

I matter feels egoic/prideful to some part of myself. When I was young having wants, desires, and needs was made to feel like too much. These normal human aspects of myself confronted people’s insecurities in their ability to meet my needs and caused them shame (which was expressed in anger). I must remember that that’s ok. It’s not my responsibility to protect others from those feelings. I’m not fundamentally wrong when other’s experience negative emotions associated with me.

Behind the question of “I matter” is the fear “can I make a difference?” What does a difference even mean? We cannot help in making a difference. Every breath is making a ripple in the ocean of life. A simple nod to another human is a difference towards good.

The system is designed to lower our self-worth so that we can be controllable. so that we become slaves that are used, exploited, and taken from.

Worth is not something we can earn. Babies don’t do anything to earn their worth. We love them unconditionally. God feels the same way about us all. He understand us better than we understand ourselves.

We all inherently matter. Before we take action, before we do anything. We’re all a part of God. We’re all cherished. we came to earth in a physical body to forget and be imperfect for a reason. Enduring this life is a brave decision (whether or not we remember the decision). We will return to God. God is love. God understands us more than we understand ourselves. Forgive ourselves for God has already forgiven us. He sees the beginning and end of time.

“All shall be well. And all manner of things shall be well.” -Julian of Norwich

We all have something within us to contribute to the whole: fruits of the spirit, siddhi’s, experiences, wisdom, service, healing, transformation, love. We all have unique experiences and perspectives in life.

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” -Rumi

We all have wounds. We all have the capability to transmute pain into something greater, more beautiful. When others see this possibility they gain hope that they may in turn alchemize their own pain and become something more than their present identity and circumstances.

Next time that you feel you do not matter like I do at times, remind yourself of these truths. Why do YOU think we matter and what does the realization of mattering inspire you to do?

• Reflection on current world affairs

• What my own Dark Awakening taught me

• Using history to relate and help/warn us

• The gold in the shadow

• How do we respond

This is a time of grim redemption for conspiracy theorists. For everyone else, this is a time of shock and disgust as they learn the truth of the Epstein files. Compounded with this shocking revelation, comes the news of wars and rumors of wars whether it be Venezuela, Greenland, Iran, etc.

These troubling events raise a host of questions: What causes people to become this evil? How do you become attracted to children? Why would you want to engage in so much conflict with foreign nations? These questions are fair questions and troubling, but I will save exploring them for another article.

People have various reactions to these events. Some react with anger, others with sadness. But the vast majority shake their head and keep on moving. It seems that in the age of information, there’s just too much to process. Most people have too much going on in their own life, to become enmeshed in the global drama around us.

Perhaps this reaction is a healthy one? After all, if we try to process and every major event, we will never be able to take action and complete our daily responsibilities. I don’t think the human brain was meant to take in the amount of information we’re bombarded with on a daily basis (for those of us on the web or who watch TV).

This time period reminds me of my own dark awakening in 2016 after I read the book 1984 by George Orwell. The book was written during the World War era in response to Totalitarianism (dictatorship). The book maps out all of the obvious and subtle ways authority usurps, manipulates, brainwashes, controls, creates fear, torture. etc. towards its citizens to maintain their power and status quo. But at the core, the book is about the human ego and how it corrupts everything good.

I used the book during grad school to analyze Republican and Democratic rhetoric on social media. Both sides used 1984 to justify their views and cast the other side as totalitarian. During this time I also took History and English classes analyzing Global Christianity and the Bible. I started seeing the cracks in my beliefs and became disillusioned with my worldview. I was struggling with my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. I saw my own addictions.

All of these areas culminated with the realization that I was projecting my own inner struggles onto the collective. My perspective was hyper-focused on the negative. I was mentally trying to discover answers to fix society, but I began realizing that I was just using the collective to distract from my own inner struggles. I was running the same hero mentality pattern that I had inflicted upon my girlfriend—the pattern of “let me fix what’s broken in you so that I distract from my own issues. Let me fix you so that you will find me worthy of love and respect. Let me fix you so that I won’t feel the pain in you that reverberates with the pain in me that I cannot bear to face. Let me fix you so that I feel safe in the world.”

I realized that I could not help the world if I could not face my own issues. I could not help the world if my filter was so clouded from my own internal trauma that I projected onto the world. I could not help the world if I could not connect with love, hope, faith, and joy. So I began focusing on transforming myself which led to my awakening (a story for another day).

The American dream is crumbling before our eyes—the dream that we ever had a free marketplace, a capitalistic utopia where the little man could succeed. The illusion is dissipating that competition always brings out the best in human nature—the most growth, success, product, money, variety, etc. America is realizing that we’ve been repressing our shadows—the greed, the corruption, the paranoia wound of lack, the endless hungry ghost of being the best, of nepotism, psychopaths, narcissism, ego, and survival. The shadow of getting to the top and obtaining all the material objects,

We’re losing trust in our intuitions and leaders: government, healthcare, religion, celebrities, science, higher education, western medicine etc. We’re in the throes of the great deconstruction of the enlightenment era.

What is left of the carcass of the great behemoth of the American nation?

We can see the same patterns that are inflicting our nation now throughout history: Egypt, Rome, Greece, Germany, England, etc. All were once great empires that amassed great power, but eventually collapsed from within. Of course they all survived into the modern countries we see today, but they’re no longer world superpowers they once were. America can learn from history.

France tried to radically transform, but the result was what we now know as the French Revolution. Thousands were killed by the guillotine after “trials.” That bloodbath is the result of the energy of skepticism, revenge, chaos, and class power struggle.

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that Makes the existing model obsolete” - Buckminster Fuller.

Deconstruction without a belief in something greater than what was deconstructed results in chaos and endless destruction. What we need in America is not more social justice warriors angrily fighting for their specific causes and shaming anyone that does not get on board. What we need are imaginative prophets and creatives who connect with Spirit to create something better and inspire the collective to follow.

Things look very dark. If you listen to the experts their predictions are catastrophic. Their timelines are possible. They are full of rationality. But the spiritual person believes in miracles. We know that their are unseen forces working for our good.

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.” -Romans 8:22

The earth is in a season of death, but death is never final. There is always a rebirth. We have many myths and stories that show this pattern: Jesus’s death and resurrection, the Phoenix rising from the ashes, spring blooming forth after the desolation of winter. Right now we’re in the painful thralls of death, but we have the opportunity to participate with God in the evolutionary process of birthing Heaven on Earth.

We can either be passive victims, willingly controlled by the corrupt leaders of our age and dark spiritual forces, or we can become clear reflections of the power of God that lies within us. We can choose to hold on with faith that Love/evolution is always reforming, reshaping, refining by fire the darkness and evil into good. Consciousness is always moving from simplicity to more complex coherence that benefits the whole.

My writing so far has really just been a very long intro. Please excuse my long-windedness, but understanding the background helps with how WE personally can respond to the collective dark awakening.

1. Cultivate empathy and compassion for others and where they are in their evolutionary development.

It is important to realize that people’s beliefs reflect the developmental stage that they are in. They’re in the stage they’re at for a reason. Pushing them too hard to advance creates resistance and pushback. Trying to force them to evolve their beliefs creates fight/flight/freeze for the nervous system that is detrimental. Humans need slow, step by step movement. Invite people out their comfort zone, but not so far that the journey becomes instable, ungrounded, and un-integrated.

We need to embody the change we want to see in others. The work starts with ourselves. What gifts do you possess? What unique talents, insights, skills, support, stability, and formation do you offer? What experiences have shaped you, taught you, created hope and wisdom that you have to offer? What wounds do you have to share? What vulnerability do you possess about where you’ve failed? Vulnerability invites others to do the same, although some are not developed and safe enough for this amount of rawness. Discernment in who to share with is important.

2. Do the shadow work. Make the unconscious conscious in order to become empowered.

   
   "One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” -Carl Jung

   
   The collective Dark Awakening includes you. During this time God will bring your wounds into the light. It may feel like you’re moving backwards, but you cannot heal and integrate what you cannot see. Now is opportunity to embrace every part within you: the chaos, the anger, shame, fear, etc. Choose to meet these parts with love instead of being triggered into fight/flight/freeze.

3. Choose empowerment. Fight the energy of disempowerment.

What are the ways you’re conforming in order to fit in, be liked, gain money, popularity, fame, etc. What ways are you playing small in order not to trigger others? In what ways are you giving your power away because you do not believe in the power of God to work through you? In what ways are you being controlled by constant triggers of fear, anger, and shame?

What is your dharma/purpose/life path? What fruits/gifts have you learned in life that you can utilize to create a better world? What creative potential do you have inside to cultivate into transforming your identity? How can you live from love, joy, and peace?

4. Surrender to God and work with those who are already working with you in higher realms

Slow down and listen/feel into our spirit/holy spirit/intuition, guides, angels, Jesus, God, etc. Attune more deeply with the sacred, with the whispers, nudges, synchronicities, and dreams that guide us how to live. Surrender to the spirit, the lessons, and to the currents of life instead of fighting it and creating more suffering for ourselves. Choose to have a beginners mind in order to not dismiss or pigeonhole signs into the narrow boxes of our current beliefs.

Beginners Mind — suspending disbelief. To Suspend a particular way of thinking, defenses, holding stubbornly onto our perception of the past or the idealized fantasy, rebellion, narcissism of the way we think the future should be (the way our ego thinks is best for us).

One of the biggest problems is the unexamined life. It is not exploring the energy within us, our unconscious projection, our un-integrated trauma .

“there is not a problem in the world that cannot be solved/ is not about consciousness.”- Ram Das

I’m taking up the challenge to respond to the dark awakening. One way I’m doing this is by continuing to create by writing. The next seven articles I have planned will be about my own limited beliefs that slow or block me from creating. I hope in my writing you see the raw, vulnerable parts of me, that you will also see yourself. I hope that my words provide comfort, solidarity, and guidance. Thank you for taking the time to read. I would love to hear your thoughts.

When people say “everything matters” they generally mean that the universe contains karma or cause and effect. Everything affects everything else. Animals, plants, humans, music, science, spirit, etc. Everything connects. Nothing should be discounted — every experience, action, thought, and emotion contains meaning. The logical, rational, visible world is not at odds with the subjective inner, psychological, emotional world within every human heart. They work in tandem together. They color and inform each other, two parts of the whole. It does not serve us to prioritize or dismiss one or the other. Most of us are unbalanced along the spectrum to one side or the other, depending on our makeup and childhood experiences. That’s ok. Every moment life will guide us, reflect as a mirror back to ourselves, so that we can become balanced and whole.

Everything matters. We must take accountability for our actions, and even contend with the actions of other individuals as well as life circumstances. We don’t control everything outside of ourself, but we control our response. If we do not take accountability for our responses as well as our emotions, thoughts, and actions, we will marinate in immaturity and leave a trail of pain for others to clean up after us.

Everything matters. Every experience, blissful and painful, has lessons to teach us. If we reject, demonize, or bury experience, then it will sink into our unconscious, affecting us negatively until we mine meaning from it that we can utilize in future experiences.

When people say “nothing matters” they generally mean that this physical life is an illusion, dream, or maya, and not to take it too seriously. This life is temporary compared to the many lives (physical and otherwise) that consciousness shapes itself into. Buddhism teaches that attachment and desire creates suffering. When we desire or attach too seriously to outcomes, addictions, careers, people, fame, objects, etc. we suffer, because these outer circumstances only satisfy us temporarily instead of the eternal contentment (found through connecting with what is eternal) that we long for.

Some people say “nothing matters” in a despairing way. This can also point to the fact that earthly pursuits are temporary and do not last. Physical life is tinged with pain. Pure unbroken bliss is not possible on the earth life plane. The problem is that people in this belief state have lost touch with the spiritual eternal plane and are consumed in their narrow vision of temporary physicality.

When one can see and live in both oneness and duality (spiritual and physical plane of consciousness) they can recognize the truth in the paradox that everything and nothing matters. What do you believe? Do you resonate with one or both of these phrases? What do they mean to you?

Feel into the words…Faith…Hope. What comes to mind? How do they feel? To me, faith feels more like an intellectual knowing—head knowledge. Hope feels like it comes from the heart—emotional knowing. Both of these words have are partially unknown. There is a mystery to them, an element of something that is hidden or we’re unsure about. But we have enough of this felt (hope) and rational (faith) knowing to place some trust and energy towards it, whether that is a goal, a relationship, God, humanity at large, or something else.

Exploring Faith

In truth, if we really dig down deep, everything boils down to faith. We have faith that some things will change and other things will stay the same. Can we really say we know anything without a shadow of a doubt? Honestly, I don’t think so. This is easier to admit for those of us who have experienced wild pendulum swings of consciousness. These swings may come about through mental health issues, physical trauma, near death experiences, drugs, awakenings, miracles, or even breathwork. For those of us that have had these experiences, we realize how fragile our image and understanding of the world really is. Our perception can change in an instant. We realize there’s so much more to reality than what we normally are aware of. We really don’t understand the universe as much as we think we do.

These days I view my beliefs on a percentage scale rather than a black and white “yes or no.” Based on research, other people’s experiences, my own experience, and intuition I have a certain amount of faith about my beliefs. But I try to stay open to my beliefs being wrong or partially wrong, knowing that they have been proven wrong or off in the past.

This is the same process humanity has gone through throughout time that has allowed them to evolve whether that be through language, agriculture, invention, weather prediction, etc. Anytime we devolve into too much hopelessness, blind faith, or certainty we stagnate and hurt ourselves. But when we observe our thoughts, emotions, and intuition we can maintain a healthy balance of ingredients to a true faith that leads us forward.

Because we have faith, there is always hope. Again faith proves that there is a way forward in life. We can discover, learn, heal, and grow. This gives us the feeling of hope inside. But perhaps hope is even more powerful than faith. Or perhaps hope is more primal. We feel before we articulate something into words. Hope comes before faith. But faith is more concrete and strengthens formation. Faith strengthens hope and adds to it.

Exploring Hope

Hope is essential for life. Without it our soul withers away inside of us until life becomes so unbearable that we choose to end it. There are many energies around us of hopelessness trying to smother our life force into submission and hopelessness: The news, indoctrination disguised as education, narcissists', power hungry leaders, etc.

Hope is a feeling we must cultivate inside of us, whether or not we see logical proof in the external world. Hope is energy we must cultivate even when our faith is low. Hope is the embers that we stir up that eventually revives the fire of faith and then finally ignites into the blazes of action.

I hope (see what I did there) that this post helped you to understand and feel more deeply faith and hope. What do you think? How do you understand faith and hope? What do they feel like to you?

In order to uncover more of our ego, we need to awaken to more of our spirit. Our capacity to face our shadow, needs to be in rhythm and speed at the rate that we connect more with our true self of unconditional love. So often we see people begin to do inner work, only to fall back into patterns of numbing, distracting, or projecting their shadows onto the external world.

For years I was caught in this cycle of perfectionism. I would try to follow God and what I thought was the right path. I would read the Bible, pray, and avoid my addictions every day. But the weight of having to be a perfect holy person was too much and I soon exhausted myself. I then ran away to do whatever my ego felt like doing and ignore God.

My problem was that I had a broken understanding of God. I had a view of a conditional God that demanded perfection and judged me harshly if I failed to live up to that standard. Once I had my awakening and truly understood the infinite, unchanging, unconditional love of God for all of creation, I truly began to transform.

When we start to do the work to transform our life we often focus on the external. We want our life to change to feel better, but the truth is, until we feel differently, external change will not stick. That is why in my coaching we start with internal work. While seeking to de-condition and find limiting beliefs, we also work to establish practices like meditation and other grounding techniques to connect with the unconditional positive regard that resides in the core of our being.

Oftentimes when we change, we think, I’ve just got to do the thing. This causes us to push ourselves in a negative forceful way. This may work for a time, but it causes wounded parts of ourselves to hide or run away. The change may work for a time, but eventually these parts of ourselves start to fight back and then we have an even bigger problem then before.

A big part of loving ourselves is loving every part of our self. As we begin to change, different parts of ourselves come to the surface to give their thoughts and emotions. Instead of fighting and burying these parts in a forceful way, it is healing to engage them with compassion and love. This doesn’t mean we give into them, but we meet them with gentle parenting, explaining why we need to change and how this will help us. We need to let our parts know that we will take care of them and be safe.

As we move gently, slowly, but firmly, we will be able to make positive forward progress that creates lasting change that our nervous system can handle. This doesn’t mean that it will look perfect, but over time, things will get better and better. Our parts will start to trust us as we honor them. We will begin to understand that this transformational process is different from the past. We will realize our capacity to endure trials, fears, new ventures, and skills in life.

So give yourself gratitude for choosing the hard, but rewarding path of transformation. Move gently, with love and compassion so that your new patterns will stick. Your spirit will thank you for it.

Victor Frankl was a Jew who experienced the concentration camps in WWII before later writing “man’s search for meaning” and creating logotherapy and existential therapy. Frankl discovered that when humans find deep meaning and are connected to something bigger than their individual selves, they have the strength to endure tremendous suffering without breaking.

Growing up Christian, I read many books on Christian martyrs who endured horrible oppression, imprisonment, and torture. Later on my spiritual journey, I read about similar experiences in other religions, and even people who stood up for social, political, and scientific causes.

I had this view of heaven as a far away place that we went to and experienced after death. I thought the world would get worse and worse until Jesus came back and saved Christians. I felt like I was just trying to hold on and survive in life.

After my awakening, I understood that heaven is a state of consciousness that we can access now. After I started my spiritual journey, I started to understand that my individual awakening was just a small part of the great awakening of humanity. I realized that we’re co-creators with the Divine. As God brings heaven down to earth, we raise the collective consciousness to reach it. There is a mystery here.

When I connected my own journey to transforming the world, along with so many others’ missions, it was inspiring and motivating. I started to see behind the news and collective fog of hopelessness ways in which the world was evolving for the better.

I found my individual why, connected it to the greater collective why, and it has allowed me to endure pain and suffering as I heal, grow, and transform.

In my latest podcast episode here, Christine Smith and I talk about visions for a new earth. I hope this article and episode inspires you to either find your why, or renew you energy in the truth of your why.

In the West, the snake is a seen as a symbol of evil and deception based on the mythic story of the garden of Eden, where the evil one (often assumed to be the Devil) tempts Eve to the eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The result, the world falling into sin and death.

In the East, the snake is seen as an alchemical symbol of power and transformation, the intertwining Kundalini energy rising up the human spine.

I can understand both of these perspectives.

On the one hand snakes are very dangerous. They seek out prey with their forked tongue, silently, slithering  with lethal speed until they strike their prey. They instil fear in animals and humans alike. Because of the snake’s twisted truth in the garden, man now suffers duality, knowing good from evil.

On the other hand snakes are powerful. Like the Phoenix or butterfly, they go through massive transformations. They shed layers and layers of skin just as humans must shed layers and layers of conditioning to find their true selves, their true power within. This is not just a spiritual process, but a physical process of releasing trauma in the body so that energy may flow free from the base of the spine to the crown for optimal health.

There is few things more controversial than the discussion around good and evil. Christians claim that there is absolute truth, others claim that there is nothing, but relative truth, and many avoid the debate altogether.

My perspective is that there is absolute unchanging truth, but that truth is bigger and more complex than the human mind can grasp. The concepts of truth are simple enough—values such as love, joy, peace, freedom, empathy, etc., but how they are lived out is unique to every individual.

The Buddha said that if you see the Buddha on the path you must kill him. Jesus said that it was better that he should go so that the spirit would come. I believe both of these quotes are pointing people to connect with their inner guidance so that they may mature from looking for certainty of what to do in life and be saved from hardship. These spiritual masters needed to fade so that people discovered the same power within themselves. There are many stories of gurus, mystics, and saints who performed miracles just as Jesus and the Buddha.

The repressed ego nature always looks to be led externally, whether that is through laws, science, religion, etc. And the inflated ego always seeks to be on top of these institutions to extort and lead the gullible. These institutions have their place, but no outside authority can bring us into full maturity, knowing our exact path.

The spirit demands to be made known. The ego yearns for true inner guidance from the spirit within, but fears it at the same time. Until we learn to surrender control we are double-minded and inconsistent. We must take up the call to listen to spirit, to discover what our individual beliefs are of what is right and wrong for us or we will constantly be looking for approval from others.

Beyond society’s claims right and wrong is a field, I’ll see you there.

“You didn’t explain yourself well enough.

“People will judge you.”

“You probably made a lot of gramatical mistakes (I checked later. There were a few).”

All of these thoughts combined with the feelings of panic, shame, and fear to send me a clear message that I needed to fix my post by explaining myself better and then I needed to stop writing altogether because I’ll never be good enough and be exposed as a fraud sooner or later (Fearful thoughts are full of run-on sentences).

I was experiencing a vulnerability hangover. I expressed my deep-held, cherished beliefs to the public, and now parts of me were sounding the alarm of immanent harm. I would pay for it the next day with lack of sleep and a disrupted nervous system unless I got my internal state sorted.

In the past I’ve experienced this vulnerability hangover and let my wounds and limiting beliefs stop me from continuing on. I was overwhelmed by the chaos and pain. I let the voices convince me that it was safer and better to not continue, silencing the yearning and disappointment of my soul longing to express and create in the world.

But I am not that same person. I’ve grown to understand that these voices come from the core wounds of my past. They’re parts of my ego, operating from a childhood system that kept me safe, but just like a computer, the system is outdated and I’ve outgrown its need. I’m still in the process of honoring these feelings, but I am slowly building new neural pathways of strength.

So instead of getting lost in these thoughts and feelings I began to parent these childhood parts. I told my mind that while I’m sure that my post wasn’t perfect, and not everyone would understand it, that it was good enough and I’m proud of my effort to show up. I consoled myself that I would continue to get better at writing and that I don’t have to be a finished perfect product. I allowed myself to feel in my body the pain and emotions. I gave them presence, compassion, and peace. My body gradually calmed down and I was able to sleep.

The next day lo and behold, no one gave me any feedback of judgment. I was congratulated by my coach for doing the assignment and my friend gave me praise for a deep and insightful post.

Once we begin to understand where our triggers come from and why, we can become empathetic with ourselves understand that the negative experience within us does not have rule us. Once we begin to awaken to our core identity of love, we can rest in its safety and use it to meet the unhealed parts of ourself.

As we grow in this process vulnerability hangovers begin to happen less often and for shorter periods of time. We begin to welcome them training for our spiritual muscles. We no longer see such experiences as negative, but as goalposts for growth. In this perspective we find contentment and peace that the journey is worth it and strength to continue.

As we age we hit pivotal physical and psychological growth spots that prompt us to come more fully into ourselves and form our own identity a part from what others tell us. Teenage years, college, entering the job force, some have quarter life crisis, mid-life crisis, reaching advanced age.

As we grow older our soul always prompts us to change, heal, and grow. We can either bury these prompts, or we can choose to listen and go through the process of what Carl Jung called individuation. Individuation is bringing all the buried parts of ourself from the unconscious into conscious. As we listen to the different parts of ourself we bring them into relationship together. Our ego moves from driving us to serving the spirit.

The more we grow the more we reveal new layers of conditioning, identifies and limiting beliefs that others have placed on us. This calls us to deeper relationship with our spirit, with true unconditional love for the unhealed parts of ourself. If we do not connect with our spirit of love while coming to conscious we judge ourself harshly and wage war within ourself between our different aspects of self.

The more we meet ourselves with compassion and grace the more we’re able to meet others with the same. What is unhealed in ourselves becomes triggered by others who exhibit the same. For example, I was taught growing up not to express my anger. So it became buried. Until I dealt with my buried anger, I would become triggered when others displayed anger. My belief system said that was not allowed and I resented that they expressed something I believe was forbidden and felt unsafe to do myself. Once I dealt with my anger I was able to meet others’ anger with understanding, compassion, and safety while feeling safe within myself.

As we grow we learn to appreciate and even embrace triggers as they point to our unconscious and not free within ourself. We learn to instead of project blame to others, appreciate the discovery of wounds so that we can alchemize them into strengths. The mechanism of triggers speeds up the healing process so that we heal and experience more bliss quicker than if the wound stays buried for much longer within our body.

When we choose to blame others, repress wounds, distract ourselves, etc. we continue the cycle of suffering for ourselves and for others. The wound festers untreated and keeps us in cycles of negativity and pain. We will keep trying to find outlets to make us feel good, but the only long term solution is not around the pain, but through it.

As we begin to heal and come into loving relationship with these parts we start to act in empowerment, confidence, and integrity as one pure unshakable whole being. We become confident that no matter what life throws at us, we can handle it, because there is less and less wounds to be triggered within us.

We also become pure mirrors that love others unconditionally without attachment. We will either strongly attract or repel others depending on how ready they are to meet themselves through the clear mirror of your consciousness.

The more clear we become the less we need from others. We meet our own needs from within and can offer more and more of ourselves for the collective good. This is the path of awakening to our true identity of love, paradoxically free from all other identities.